Simple but Effective Tips

How to Get Rid of a Grudge? 8 Simple but Effective Tips

Our dreams, fears, complexes and doubts are formed under the influence of external and internal factors in the early years of life. To begin with, feelings of resentment are not innate, but acquired. Infants have feelings of anger, and feelings of resentment are learned from about 2 to 5 years old. It is formed most often in patterns or adopted from other children and adults. For example, “If you don’t do this, I will be offended.” We, adults, often use such manipulation.

Let’s see, where do grudges come from? Why do we have this feeling? How to deal with it, and whether it is necessary?

Where Grudges Come From

The feeling of resentment arises from a mismatch between expectations about the behavior of the abuser with how he behaved in reality. That is, resentment is a consequence of three mental operations:

  • Constructing expectations.
  • Observing behavior.
  • Comparing expectation and reality.

In other words, we expect the person to understand, to feel, to do what we think, but we don’t say it. And if we say it, we always expect that the person won’t refuse, will do it to our satisfaction, giving in to personal possibilities and desires.

In relationships we wait for love, care, tenderness, etc., but at the same time, we don’t think it necessary to say what we want. How exactly do we feel when we are loved, how do we know that we are cared for. We hold ideas of perfect relationships from our own experience, from our own picture of the world, forgetting that the person we love grew up in other conditions, in which things were different. 

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Resentment Is the Pain We Cause Ourselves

Disappointment from unjustified expectations makes us look for the cause of mental pain, which occurs in one situation or another. So we find this cause outside. It’s difficult for us to understand that this pain is caused by ourselves, expecting someone else to live our life and our interests, without taking into account our own.

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Devoting your life to someone else will only be someone who doesn’t value himself, and such a person won’t give you anything. He himself needs to work on his self-esteem. And it turns out that we expect from a man what he in principle cannot give, and count on what we have no right to. After all, in reality no one owes us anything!

A loving person, voluntarily and based on his personal desires, has chosen you to be near you happily because he feels good about it, like a bettor feels about profitable betting lines. And if to be with you, he needs to “buy” this place, then sooner or later such a relationship will begin to destroy it and will cease to bring joy. There will be a sense of unfreedom.

Any relationship is a choice of each person in favor of the relationship. Choice implies freedom to express feelings. We can feel nothing but gratitude. After all, everything we receive in a relationship should be viewed as a gift. This relationship has a bright future.

Most often we are offended by those closest to us because it’s not so easy for a stranger to offend us. We don’t expect anything from a stranger, which means that we aren’t disappointed in him. Of course, there are people who tend to resent everyone: people, God, the universe, life in general. Such people think that everything is owed to them. And they sincerely resent why they aren’t treated as they imagine.

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Resentment Stems From Inner Trauma

Any resentment arises from a deep inner trauma. At the heart of resentment, there is an inferiority complex: the constant self-doubt and their abilities, the inability to take responsibility for their lives and everything that happens in it, the unwillingness to achieve their own goals.

We expect someone to do everything for us and live our life for us. And if that doesn’t happen, we get disappointed and suffer.

Of course, if we wish, we can delegate responsibility for our lives to other people, giving them the power to affect our mood and well-being. Let them decide whether to make us happy or unhappy. Just remember that in doing so we deprive ourselves of the freedom of choice and the opportunity to live our lives in joy and infinite happiness!

Do We Have to Fight Feelings of Resentment?

Perhaps I am being too loud about the idea that resentment robs us of the opportunity to live a happy life. But, unfortunately, it does. Because of deep inner resentments, people get sick, suffer, and die.

You have a choice: to be offended, or right from this second, once and for all, learn to manage this feeling, which corrodes and destroys like poison. The most important step in getting rid of resentment is to take responsibility for your life!

When you do, you will be able to manage your emotions and that feeling. The understanding will come that it is impossible to offend you. These simple but effective practices will help you cope with feelings of resentment.

How to Get Rid of a Grudge: 8 Effective Tips

If you feel that you were wronged – no need to keep the negative inside. Try to imagine the offender. Maybe you have a picture of him, if not, you can take an object, a pillow, for example, and talk.

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Tell what exactly hurts, what you didn’t like, what you expected. This practice will clarify a lot of things for you as well. You will learn to express your feelings and desires before you feel hurt.

If you were offended by a word or a deed, take some soft object, a toy or a pillow, imagine the offender in this object and well reflect your pain and anger through slapping.

Tears help, too, by the way. If at this point you want to cry, don’t hold back.

If you cannot speak out, write a letter to the offender. Tell him everything that you think about the situation. The letter then needs to be burned.

Learn to constructively express emotions. How? Try to talk to your offender not from the perspective of the accuser, and from the perspective of a person describing his feelings. Instead of, “You offended me, insulted me!” say, “I am offended, and your behavior, words offended me, I’m upset.” If a person is accused of something, he has a desire to resist. Saying your feelings helps to ease or reduce the tension between people.

Try to understand the person: why he did what he did. He may be doing it unconsciously.

If you were offended by something, thank the person for it. You were shown your weaknesses. Work out for yourself why it hurt you.

Forgive yourself for being offended. Yes, yes, on the one hand – so easy, but on the other – important.

If you have been hurt to tears, or have had a serious fight, there is a very effective way for the “here and now” moment. Start breathing deeply, remember your abuser, and say aloud with the intonation of a king or queen: “I forgive you! I forgive you! I forgive you!”

After you say it a third time, the offense will be gone, and you will smile or even laugh.

Immediate Unity

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